When my wife Laurie and I teach at marriage retreats we often refer to the work of Dr. John Gottman. In his famous “glass house” at the University of Washington, Gottman has studied thousands of married couples over decades of research to see what makes marriages last.
He’s researched so many thousands of marriages that, after watching a couple interact for just one hour, he can predict with 94% accuracy whether they will divorce in three years.
How can he tell? It’s not anger. Healthy marriages have anger. It’s not arguments;
healthy marriages have arguments. It’s not disagreements; couples in healthy marriages disagree over all sorts of things.
So what’s the “tell?” One word: Contempt. Not merely disagreeing or arguing, but actively despising the other person, saying, in so many words, “You are worthless.” Gottman looks for little signs of contempt: Dehumanizing sarcasm. Hostile humor. Eye-rolling.
But this is not a column about marriage. Gottman says he’s now concerned not just for couples, but for our country. We’re all living in what he calls “a culture of contempt.” To him, our society looks exactly like a marriage headed for divorce.
We no longer just disagree or argue or get angry. We have utter contempt for anyone not exactly like us. They are no longer merely ideological opponents or reasonable people on opposite sides of a debate. They are dehumanized––enemies to be silenced, monsters to be vanquished, fools to be mocked. This is a tendency for the loudest voices on either side of every division. We are all constantly being whipped into contemptuous attitudes toward others.
Gottman says contempt is not only bad for the person who feels attacked; it’s bad for the person feeling contemptuous of others: “Contempt is harmful for the contemptuous person, because it causes us to secrete two stress hormones, adrenalin and cortisol. The health consequences of constantly secreting these hormones is staggering.” This is why everyone around you seems angry and agitated and stressed all the time. We’re filled with so much adrenalin, so much cortisone, we are in a constant low-level rage.
We are poisoning ourselves with contempt.
Poisoning our nation with our contempt.
Poisoning our families and schools and churches with contempt.
Gottman is quoted in the book “Love Your Enemies” by Arthur C. Brooks, which I’ve recommended in this space before. Brooks says we are in a “pandemic of contempt.” In a January 11 report on Santa Cruz County prepared by the Quadrennium Project, local residents seem to agree: “Social and political tension and discord” was listed as our penultimate concern out of 44 choices, second only to the ongoing impact of Covid-19.
What can we do about it?
There were also staggering political divisions among the earliest Christians. Matthew was a Roman collaborator. Simon was a Zealot, a movement aimed at overthrowing the Romans. Nicodemus was a Pharisee, a group loathed by the two others. Yet Jesus tells them, “A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.” (John 13:34,35)
And it doesn’t end with “Love one another.” The phrase “one another” is repeated one hundred times in the Bible. Every single time it’s an antidote to contempt.
Bear with one another.
Don’t devour one another.
Honor one another.
Consider one another better than yourselves.
These commands are never conditional. Never, “if it feels right … if the other person takes first step … if you agree politically.” They are always about initiating the honor and respect, regardless of how the other person treats you.
Here’s a good “one another” to start with: “Encourage one another…” (1 Thessalonians 4:18) It’s been said, “You know how you can tell if someone needs encouragement? They’re breathing.”
So think of someone right that you can encourage. A family member. A friend. A neighbor. Here’s a challenge: Think of someone in a stressful role, someone likely to get more than their share of contempt. Your mayor. Your county supervisor. Your police chief or sheriff. Your child’s teacher or principal. Your county health officers. Your boss. Send them a note of encouragement––even if you don’t agree with them 100% of the time. In fact, do it especially if you don’t agree. Look for shared humanity, common ground.
Instead of bringing into each conversation with friends and family some complaint about Covid or politics, look for ways to encourage. Rather than tear down some other group or person out there, build up the person you’re standing right next to.
This is urgent. Stand against the pandemic of contempt. Ultimately, if we let this one spiral out of control, it will have even longer-term negative impact on our personal and community health than the virus we’ve been contending with for two years.
René Schlaepfer is senior pastor of Twin Lakes Church in Aptos, www.tlc.org. His views are his own and not necessarily those of the Pajaronian.
