The last five years I’ve written a column on the Super Bowl that has been more or less chalked full of bold predictions, hot takes and, of course, a Miss Cleo-like guess of who will win the actual game. I’m glad to say that I’ve outdone myself this year. Here are my seven predictions heading into Sunday’s meeting between the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles:
• Belichick will show off the guns: An ultimate contrarian who considers watching paint dry his personal pastime, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will look at his phone to see the weather in Minnesota will be near zero at the time of kickoff, so he’ll wear a cut-off hoodie with no undershirt to showcase his massive, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-esque pythons.
On second thought, Belichick might not even have a smart phone, and he probably still relies on the daily knowledge passed down from the morning weather man.
“I’m not on SnapFace. I don’t know MyFace, YourFace, InstantFace,” Belichick said after the game while rattling off a 500-word response on how the addition of tablets on the sidelines has ruined the game, despite the fact that the reporter asked a question of how he thought Tom Brady played.
• Gronk will play with a replacement head: Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski will take another big hit in his first game back from a concussion. But team owner Bob Kraft, demanding Gronkowski re-enter the Super Bowl, will fly in Elon Musk, and beg him to manufacture a new head to place atop Gronk’s ginormous body.
Little does Kraft know, Musk, who flies from Silicon Valley to Minneapolis in a matter of seconds in the SpaceX craft, has been eagerly awaiting this opportunity for years. He slides on Gronk’s new A.I. chrome dome, and unknowingly sets the world on a path toward Judgement Day.
DUNDUN DUN DUNDUN. DUNDUN DUN DUNDUN. DUNDUN DUN DUNDUN.
• Trump will not tweet during the game: Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah right.
• Carson in disguise: Eagles backup quarterback turned starter Nick Foles will throw for more than 300 yards and four touchdowns to earn Super Bowl M.V.P. in a loss, but during the trophy presentation he will be overcome with guilt and remove his prosthetic mask to reveal that it was Carson Wentz under the helmet this whole time.
Everyone will be utterly flabbergasted… except for the Patriots, who have had Kevin Faulk wearing a Dion Lewis mask the entire season, and Wes Welker walking around as Danny Amendola for the past few years.
• Your girlfriend will be sick of you by halftime: As if it wasn’t enough to watch you pound a half-dozen silver bullets with your bros like a man dying of thirst in the Sahara, your girlfriend will be itching to ram your head through a wall as you try to mansplain her through every play even though she’s watched just as much or even more football than you.
Oh, and don’t forget to help her understand what’s going on when the “Avengers: Infinity War” and “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” trailers come on.
“Yeah, so, like, Thanos is the bad guy this time, it’s pretty easy to follow along if you’ve watched the last couple films,” said the useless schlub of a man with guacamole stains on his shirt as his girlfriend left to the other room to watch the game in peace.
• Timberlake reverses stance on football: After saying (jokingly?) that his son would never play football during a press conference in the week leading up to Sunday, Justin Timberlake will reverse his stance just seconds after rocking the U.S. Bank Stadium crowd with a bunch of songs from a decade ago — we can all agree that FutureSex/LoveSounds was far and away his best album.
Two-year old Silas Randall Timberlake will suit up for the Patriots for the second half, supplant Rex Burkhead as the team’s H-Back and catch a pair of touchdowns from Brady, including the game-winner with no time left on the clock.
Thousands of bloggers around the globe will then write several 2,000-word think pieces on whether Timberlake made the right decision in allowing his son to follow his dreams at such a young age.
“Should Justin have the right to put totally normal restrictions and expectations on his son because he loves him?” one blogger will write while downing their fifth cup of coffee that day. “Only time will tell.”
• Gisele will call out Brady’s receivers: Somehow, Gisele Bündchen will be walking down a tunnel, and be asked about what happened in the game because she has complete and utter control on the outcome.
The superstar model will no doubt have plenty to say. The real question is what will she come up with to top the “My husband can not [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time” line from Super Bowl 46?
“Brandin Cooks runs too damn fast. He needs to watch my husband’s [expletive] combine film and mimic his duck-like sprint.”
“I don’t think you understand how hard it is to concentrate while throwing the ball to a man as handsome as Danny Amendola. When you look at those soft, deep brown eyes, you almost forget there’s a 350-pound hulk of a man just a few feet away from crushing you.”
“I think Tom might have had too much avocado ice cream and veggie lasagna last night. That’s probably why he got off to a slow start.”
